What to Say to a Friend Going Through Ivf
"Never tell people it's all in their head and that they should simply relax," reproductive endocrinologist Wendy Chang, M.D., F.A.C.O.G., at Southern California Reproductive Center, tells SELF. "Infertility is a true medical diagnosis with well-established causes and treatment." Plus, as Karen points out, it's really, really hard to relax when you're going through IVF. Dr. Clark agrees: "There is no way that a couple undergoing IVF will be stress-free."
Say: "I'm here for you."
Sometimes when you don't know what to say, just saying that you're there for them can go a long way. "This kind of verbal commitment can help them feel supported, loved, and acknowledged," Dr. Chang says.
Karen says she recently had a friend who ran out of embryos and was devastated. Karen didn't know what to say, so she was just there to listen. "There really is a grieving process and people need to understand that," she says. Dr. Clark says when she was going through IVF, she had a friend who would check in with her periodically to arrange a lunch here and there where she could talk about her IVF experience or not if she wasn't up for it. "She was very patient and always available, and I knew that," Dr. Clark says.
Don't say: "Have you tried [insert fertility idea here]?"
Again, it's well-meaning, but it's pretty likely that your friend has tried everything—including things you haven't even heard of before. "Before resorting to IVF, most couples have tried many things to get pregnant," Dr. Clark says. Dr. Jacobs agrees. "Couples with infertility have likely exhausted every option prior to treatment, and have spent a lot of time doing research and possibly blaming themselves for their fertility issues," he says. "Don't ever offer unsolicited advice about trying to conceive—the less said the better."
Say: "Why don't we [insert fun, distracting activity here]?"
While it's important to listen to your friend talk about her struggle, it can also be a welcome relief to talk about something else. "It was important to me to be able to talk about IVF but it was also nice to change the subject," Sarah says. "All I did was think about IVF and it seriously bummed me out!" Time and space can help with the process, Dr. Jacobs says, and suggesting that you do something new together or talking about something else here and there can be helpful.
Don't say: "Don't worry, you'll definitely get pregnant!"
Unfortunately, IVF isn't a guarantee, and success rates vary with age. The most recent available data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, puts success rates around 50 percent at age 30, 21 percent for women in their late 30s, and lower beyond that. "IVF doesn't always work the first time and sometimes it doesn't work at all," says Clark, who used an egg donor to have her children after multiple rounds of IVF didn't work for her. Staying upbeat is important, but your friend is also aware that it might not work. Try something like "your doctors sound like they know what they're doing!" instead.
Say: "I would love for you to come to my baby shower, but please don't feel pressured to come."
It's tough when a close friend is going through fertility issues and you're either pregnant or already have kids. This statement ultimately depends on how close you are, but if it's a good friend, Karen says it can be helpful to make it clear you're not ignoring the elephant in the room—and then let your friend decide how they want to handle it.
"Baby showers and birthday parties are doubly difficult because it is a reminder of the child they long for as well as an occasion to put on a happy face during a time of sadness, which is hard when you are so discouraged," Dr. Jacobs says. "It is perfectly OK to pass these up." Dr. Clark says a friend once sent her an invite to a baby shower that said, "I understand that you may not want to come but I want you to know that I am thinking about you and you are invited." "That was perfect," she says.
If you slip up and say something on the "don't" list, don't freak out. "Even though we're hopped up on hormones, we're still your friend," says Sarah. "We ultimately know that you're just trying to help."
*Name has been changed.
Related:
- 8 Reasons To See A Fertility Specialist
- FYI: Struggling With Infertility Doesn't Mean You'll Never Get Pregnant
- I Froze My Eggs at Age 15…and Did It Again at Age 19
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What to Say to a Friend Going Through Ivf
Source: https://www.self.com/story/going-through-ivf